I have returned!

Hi everyone.

Yes, I’m back, again! And I am now in my second year of my Ph.D. program. I miss doing this blog, so I am going to try to bring it back and make it even better!

Part of that is my format. I will try to make a posting once a week, though I make no promises with my schedule. Grad school eats away my time and energy quite efficiently.  The other part is that I am going to make an effort to tell you more about my life as a physics graduate student. Perhaps my experiences will be beneficial to someone.

Anyhow, I’ll keep you updated. Hope you all have a wonderful year ahead of you.

Maelstromista

Graduation and the Great Beyond

I am graduating. Tomorrow I will walk across that stage and nothing will be the same. My future is sitting in front of me and smacking me across the face. This is it. This is the big one. This is what I have been working towards for the past four years. A Bachelors of Science in Mathematics and Physics.

What do I do after this? In the fall, I plan on attending graduate school to work on my doctorate in physics. Five and a half more years of school. I want to further my involvement in the STEM education community and truly start to make changes for young girls.

However, summer is a different story. This is the largest amount of freedom in time and mobility that I will have for the next six years. This summer I want to seize every opportunity to have an adventure. I don’t have plans. I don’t know what is going to happen. But this is a summer of YES, and it starts when I cross that stage.

The Dreaded C-Word…

… criticism.

It’s very hard to take, isn’t it?

I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t like criticism. I never have. It’s awkward and embarrassing.

But it’s necessary.

The trick to taking criticism like a mature adult is to realize the difference between constructive and destructive criticism. If someone’s critique makes you feel stupid or inadequate, if it doesn’t help you understand what you did wrong and doesn’t help you improve, then it is destructive.

Girls, criticism that makes you feel like you CAN’T do something is destructive. Don’t listen to it.

Constructive criticism, on the other hand, should empower you. It may be embarrassing and nerve-wracking. It may make you sad or upset, or hurt your feelings. These reactions are typical. No one likes to be told they made a mistake- it hurts our pride. If we spent a long time on something and someone tells us how to improve it, that can be painful to hear. I’ve cried after many a critique from pure disappointment.

But those are our reactions to being wrong. How we react to being wrong is another talk altogether.

The criticism itself should NOT make you feel bad about yourself. It should be a tool, a test you can use to improve your work. It should not only point out the mistake, but inform you on how to improve. Constructive criticism is advice. It is helpful advice that is given to you in an attempt to help you be the best you can be.

I’ve been given both kinds of criticism. I’m very familiar with the feelings associated with each. And no matter how embarrassing and upsetting constructive criticism can get, it always brings a sense of hope. Hope for improvement.

So here’s my advice- take criticism. Invite it in. Look at how it makes you feel. Do you feel like you know how to improve? Has it found fault with your work or with you? Ignore anything that makes you feel like less of a person. Ignore anything that makes you feel as though YOU are the mistake. However, if it is helpful, if you can move forward from it, take it. Listen to it. Cherish it.

We are lucky we can learn from our mistakes. It makes us all more interesting and skilled human beings.

Oh the Apologies…

Hey everyone!

Once again, I disappeared. I might have made a bit of a habit of it. Forgive me?

You’re probably wondering “What in the world has she been up to? Has she been captured by a swarm of bandits that ride through the night, playing math jokes on the general populace?”

Or perhaps you aren’t wondering that. I may be a bit loopy from staring at a computer all day.

Yes, that’s right. I didn’t abandon technology at all! In fact, I have spent almost every weekday on the computer this summer. Working. At a real job.

It’s weird to me, too.

I spent this summer working at the National Institute for Standards and Technology through the Summer Undergraduate Research Fellowship (SURF) program. I’ve been working on a research project that is a continuation of the research I did with one of my professors this past year.

I’ve learned how to do so many things! I have all of the skills now!

Or at least more than before.

I know how to use IgorPro, an interface that allows programming of functions and general data analysis, can work with UNIX, and learned a bunch of other fun skills. But the best and brightest skill I’ve gained is how to use Monte Carlo N-Particle eXtended (MCNPX).

According to my adviser, this is a really marketable skill. So I’m excited about that.

I’d sit down and explain what in the world these programs actually are, but I only have about ten minutes before I catch my bus.

I do have some things I want to tell you about in the near future. First of all, this summer has been more than just an opportunity to gain skills and make connections in the research world.  I’ve also experienced what it’s like to be one of the few women in a work force.

Girls, we need more of you. I think I interact with a woman about once every two weeks. By interact, I mean converse with them. Not have awkward eye contact with them as you leave the bathroom.

Well, I definitely have stories to tell and information to impart, but I must gather my belongings and head toward the bus.

I shall return. Hopefully soon.

Maelstromista

Early Mornings

Happy Friday!

I’ve decided to give you guys some incredibly helpful advice.

Wake up early.

I know, sleeping is wonderful. Sleeping in is wonderful. I myself have slept in to four in the afternoon before, and it was rather blissful. I love sleep. Sleep sleep sleep.

But I’m becoming a morning fan.

For the past four semesters, I have had 8 am classes. I’ve gotten so used to waking up early that my body automatically wakes up at 8:30 every morning, including weekends. I’ve started to realize that the world is more pleasant in the morning. There are fewer people (and expectations). You get the freshest breakfast food at the food courts. The birds are chirping and the weather is still brisk from the night.

The best part, however, is how easy it is to think.

Problems that seem impossible at 11 pm suddenly become child’s play in the early morning. It’s as if someone decided to give me brain power in my sleep. I’m a physics and math ninja in the morning!

So there’s that. Sleep helps your brain. Get sleep during the night, not the day. Wake up with the sun and perhaps your brain will wake up as well.

Anyway, enjoy your weekend!

I’m Baaaaack!

Hey everyone!

So I have obviously been missing for a very long time. I’ll admit, this was in part due to laziness on my part, so shame on me. But I have not given up on this blog at all! In fact, I have been slowly building more indignation about the state of STEM education in this country…

First, how about some updates?

Classes this semester are absolutely wonderful. I’m currently taking Advanced Lab, where I perform physics experiments on my own time and write up lab reports, Combinatorics, which is like taking a class on logic puzzles, Introduction to Quantum Mechanics, and Techniques in Theoretical Physics Part II, which is a grad class. I recently have been accepted into a summer research program at the National Institute of Standards and Technology and will be working on a project in neutron science that I will be able to extend into my senior Honors Thesis.

I have so much to tell you, but I have an Advanced Lab report on high-temperature superconductors due tomorrow and I’m a bit swamped. I shall return, don’t worry.

It sure feels good to be back!

Nostalgia

Hey everyone!

So I’m swamped in the world of finals, and I apologize for the sporadic posts once again. However, I was looking through some of my old writing from last year and found something inspirational. I like to read this whenever I get overwhelmed by my work- it reminds me that I do love my life and what I do. I hope you enjoy it!

Declarations and Intentions

I declared my major in mathematics today…

It’s a beautiful thing, making a declaration. After spending so much time worrying over who I am and what I will be, it is incredibly liberating to finally pick SOMETHING.

My major advisor is fantastic. In a span of about an hour, he decided that I could do anything and proceeded to tell me that he would help me achieve whatever that anything might be.

I feel like life is opening up- and I can’t decide if I want devour it or be devoured. I feel like life is one of those fuzzy rubber stress balls, made with hundreds of small rubber strings that stand at attention. A bed of bendable, blunt nails. A field of flowers so tall and thick that I can disappear beneath them, like in the Disney version of Alice in Wonderland.

I am so excited by all of these possibilities.

I’ve taken to roaming through Craigslist. I like to pick a random town and pour through the job listings. What would happen if I just decided to run away to Eugene, Oregon and become a bartender? I want to get a bartender’s license. I want the skills that come with life… Like learning how to build a computer. Or how to program in C++. Or fix my car.

(I bought a book about my car model and how to do basic repairs. Chris is going to teach me how to change my oil sometime this semester.)

I want to sing in Spanish and watch Telenovelas, bake pies on Pi Day, camp in the butterfly forest in Mexico, surrounded by Monarchs… I want to travel to the Amazon, discover new species of plants… I want a vegetable garden and a house in the mountains, I want to backpack along the Caminas de Francia in Spain, making a pilgrimage to Santiago de Compostela, to join the Peace Corps and force myself to see that it’s all real and do my best to help.

I want to be able to balance five plates on my arms as I navigate through a crowded restaurant.

It’s not exactly a bucket list… it’s not what I want to do before I die. It’s what I want to do while I LIVE. And I want to do so many things…

I want to know the world, to taste it, feel it, absorb it. I want the sunburn on my neck from sleeping in the sun, I want my floor to be covered in grass and dirt from my shoes… I want all of these experiences and people and places to just replace bits of me, until all I am is this conglomerate of moments, a quantum state of possibilities, a single neutron in wave form, refracted and transmitted through life, with infinitely many paths, creating infinitely many waves, and I will be all of the paths and waves, just me, just this single neutron that scatters and spins away into beautiful patterns that mean everything and nothing, it just depends on how you read it, and people will interpret me, saying “Ah, so that’s what happened, that’s who she is, who she was, who she will be…”

Sorry, Sorry, Sorry and Time Wrinkles

Hey all,

I apologize for being MIA for the past couple weeks. Life has caught up to me with exams and homework. We’re getting into the final crunch time, but I am getting back into the swing of this blog!

Tonight, I just wanted to talk about childhood inspiration.

It’s interesting how different my life is from what I imagined as a child. I remember that my first dream was to be the first woman president of the United States. Others would ask  me, “What if another woman wins before you are old enough to run?’  I’d reply in my cheeky little manner, “Of course that won’t happen. They’ll be waiting for someone like me. And I’m the only me.”

Now I’m in mathematics and physics. How in the world did I get here? As I’ve mentioned before, I did not like math when I was younger. I was voracious little reader instead- and completely wrapped up in my imagination. I would leave little houses made of sticks outside for fairies, create imaginary cities and houses in trees that I would climb. I was superstitious and gullible. I was convinced for years that I had the ability to fly!

Then I read Madeleine L’Engle’s book, “A Wrinkle in Time.” I felt indignant for Meg and her inability to connect to others. I related to her- we both had curly, frizzy hair and very few friends. We both adored our little brothers. And we both wanted to be GOOD.

But she liked math. None of her peers or teachers thought she was any good at it, but she loved it and secretly excelled. Her brain just worked differently.

I think this is when I started to see myself and math differently. Yes, there were many other factors (some I’ve mentioned in previous posts) but this was the moment I saw the potential in math.

How did Meg fight the evil IT? First by math. Then by love of her brother.

If I could identify with one of those (the brother), what about the other?

Now I hold this book (and its many sequels) near and dear to my heart. In my mind, I AM Meg. We are the different girls, not quite understood by our peers. As I grew into my awkward hair, bony elbows, and weird interests, I took faith that I could be like Meg. I could be that girl who used math, science, goodness, and love to fight against the evils of the world, to fight against the cookie cutter brainwashed masses for individuality and creativity.

Read this book and tell me what you think. It’s my childhood in paper form, the tool that began to mold me into the woman I am today. And if you like it, finish the series, and ask me for more suggestions. I definitely have more suggestions.

Happy Tuesday!

Hello everyone! I hope you’ve had a good weekend and a good Monday.

I have a pretty interesting article for you tonight. It discusses why students in the U.S.A. continue to drop out of the collegiate science programs throughout the country.

My Reaction:

I understand where a lot of these students are coming from. Majoring in STEM subjects is difficult and time consuming, and many don’t find it worth the effort. It’s a true and disappointing phenomenon. I don’t know where I stand with it.

On one hand, I think that the sciences are beautiful. Despite the amount of work, my classes are fun and I am continually surprised and interested. On the other hand, I get that it’s really hard. I’ve been there- last semester was fairly brutal (though that was more my fault for scheduling too many classes and refusing to drop any).

I’ve had days when I wonder why I chose such a demanding path.

The fact of the matter is that no matter what path you choose, life gets hard. We’re witnessing this with the Occupy movement- the “99 percent” represents the many people in America who have work hard and reaped very few benefits. No matter your major or job, you’re going to have tough times. That’s just a fact of life.

The problem isn’t in the tough times, but how we view them. Challenges and set backs are learning experiences. They are opportunities for you to mold your life into something you can love and respect.

I personally want to change the world. I know that most people would consider this a naive goal- I don’t care. I’m optimistic and hopeful. I want to go out and leave a great big thumbprint on humanity. It is going to be very very hard. I’m going to face a lot of problems. But people who refuse to give up are the ones who change things. So I won’t quit. I love what I am studying and I find it worthwhile. That is all I need to keep going.

Honors Thesis and Advising

Hey everyone!

Sorry I missed Monday! Once again, it is test week. However, I’m back and better than ever!

Today I had an interesting conversation with my math advisor. I was meeting up with him to talk about my preparation for the GREs in mathematics, when another student came by his office. Dr. A (my advisor) excused himself for a moment to help this kid out. I’ll be honest, the guy wasn’t very good at social interaction. He refused to make eye contact and barely spoke to Dr. A. He also knocked over some things in the office.

That in itself wasn’t very unusual or spectacular. But when the kid left, Dr. A looked at me, sighed, and asked my bluntly why it seemed that his female students were so much more organized and prepared than his male students.

I took a moment to consider his question.

I wouldn’t call myself particularly put together or prepared. I have a tendency to procrastinate and my room is a testament to my sloppiness. But when it comes to my math and physics work, I always make sure to label things clearly. I over explain myself and create lists and plans for what needs to be done. Is this a “female thing”?

Obviously it is ridiculous to suggest that an entire gender can be roped together into one description. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that my gender has a great deal to do with why I’m so neurotic about my work.

I constantly feel the need to prove myself. Perhaps most male students don’t feel this overwhelming pressure, but I know that I have days where I just don’t feel like I’m part of the “club.” I feel as though no matter how much I study, the “boys” will still know more than me. I will admit that sometimes I get insecure about my work and let the general male opinion prevail.

Making lists and planning ahead gives me control. It’s only the fall semester of my junior year and I have already met with a professor to discuss my honor’s thesis. I’ve even asked Dr. C (my Ordinary Differential Equations professor) to be my math thesis advisor. I’m going to start studying for the GREs now, instead of waiting for my senior year to start. With all of this effort, I’m merely attempting to make sure that I do well.

I don’t have this ability to pull things off the cuff. I can’t leave these decisions for next year or I’ll feel disadvantaged. I don’t care if it’s all in my head- it’s real enough to me. It’s real enough that I do put in extra effort to be understood and organized. I plan ahead so I don’t have any unpleasant surprises.

So maybe Dr. A isn’t getting a fair representation of the characteristics of male and female students. But I know that my gender does affect my work. Either way, the entire thing is worth questioning.